I thought I had it all under control,
this insatiable desire to take everything that someone was willing to give, and then decide it wasn’t enough.
Walking home in clothes that belong to someone else because I’m always looking for an excuse to go back to people who aren’t right for me,
bumming smokes in dirty, dingy bars, turning my lungs black for the kinds of men that don’t want to call me back.
I used to find a rhythm in the ways a Friday night was predictable
find, fuck, flee,
leave before I could be left
And call my mother every Sunday and tell her everything was just fine
and it was, before you.
Because all it took was one moments stare from a strangers baby blue eyes and I was willing to give up three months of my time
before reality catches up and you’re too cold
I’m too needy,
and I’m crying in locked bathrooms wondering how I let it get this bad.
So I’m sidestepping shadows again,
only this time it’s because I’m scared of disappearing into the darkness again,
into memories of the way your fingertips wrote apologies on my skin for all the ways you would hurt me,
The ways you would promise to stay but always left again and again.
I’m sidestepping shadows in an attempt to take myself back to well-lit areas, away from men who leave behind bad habits and old t-shirts,
I’m almost me, I’m almost free.