The Single Girl’s Guide To 2017

If you find yourself on December 31st facing the extremely harsh reality that you’ll be smooching a bottle of Fireball at the stroke of midnight, it’s cool to know that besides actually being alone, you’re not really alone. Well, okay,  you are. I definitely am. But in the grand scheme of things, alone doesn’t feel so terrible (or does it?) when you know there are literally millions of women around the world going through the exact same thing.

2016 was a year of up’s and down’s, much like its predecessors. For some reason though, it get’s a worse rap. We’re just gonna roll with it, and assume that every bad thing we did, every crap decision we made, and every stupid man-child we wasted time isn’t coming with us into the New Year. In fact, let’s make that promise.

In the past year, I found myself as a woman who let a guy walk all over her, and alternately learned the value of inner strength and the ways that firmly saying, “No” implies a sense of empowerment that I had previously believed to have disappeared with aforementioned guy, after three months of bad fights and even worse attempts at make-up sex. So, this brings me to my first rule of 2017: create and implement a contingency plan. 

In 2016 I was guilty of putting my eggs in one basket, and don’t even try to deny it, you are too. Maybe you put everything you had into a dead-end job that has you living paycheck-to-paycheck or maybe you became emotionally invested in a stupid goddamn man-child with amazing baby blue’s and an astonishing superiority complex. Whatever the case, stop doing these things. Stop putting on blinders and forgetting that there’s a whole world outside of a job you hate or a man who makes you feel good for a little bit. You should know by now that nothing lasts forever, except for that zit you’re gonna get right before New Year’s Eve, taxes and regret.

Rule Number Two: stop going to bed with your fucking makeup on.  I mean come on. There’s no excuse for not washing that makeup off, and with every product on the market like micellar water, oil-free creams and my personal favorite, the Target brand wipes, why not commit an extra four minutes? If you’re gonna set standards for men, set them for yourself, and know which ones are more important. While you’re at it, buy some friggin night cream and quit texting your ex. He’s not coming back, and we all get wrinkles.

While we’re on the subject of standards, let’s discuss rule number three: raise your standards and lower your expectations. I’m not suggesting anything crazy here, you can still expect Prince Charming to open doors and pay for the first date. Hell, make that a requirement. Align your standards with your expectations, but recognize which is more important; that you want him to pay for dinner or that he has a genuine desire to treat you like the goddamn goddess that you are. We all want to be happy. Spoiler alert: you’re going to end up happy. Trust me. But get out of your own head, stop creating fantasies where that guy who drunk texted you at two in the morning asking for nudes discovers that you two have so much in common and end up falling madly in love.

So we’re at the last rule I want to impliment for 2017, and I think it might be the hardest for me to follow. Rule number four: get off of Tinder if you’re looking for love and it hasn’t happened yet. Let’s be honest with ourselves right from the get-go: Tinder is an addiction. If you’re looking down at random times during the day and see your fingers making the swiping motion, you’re not alone. It’s fun at first, and at times it’s a much needed confidence boost. But we all know that the basis of Tinder, and part of the reason it’s so widely popular, is that it puts at your finger tips options for men and women that are interested in fast, free and temporary. Don’t be part of someone else’s Friday night contingency plan. Getting off of Tinder isn’t just about freeing up some space on your smart phone, it sets a precedent for the New Year: to leave behind things and people that are not directly related to your happiness. Make this affirmation to yourself and mean it: “We are women who deserve to be with men who believe they deserve us, and work hard to deserve us.” Believe that you will not find him on Tinder, unlock your iphone and delete the app.

Believe that starting with a clean slate is essential to your happiness. It’s the proverbial door closing and another opening. Maybe 2017 is that door. Maybe it’s a window, and you better be prepared to climb through it. We don’t get many legitimate fresh starts in life, and I plan to make the most of this one.

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